So you wanna sing the blues? Here's a starter kit.

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." Actually, there's room for improvement here. Real blues guys are up all night in smoky clubs filled with hookers, druggies, crooked cops, sleazy saxophone music, and plenty of hootch. I doubt if many of them actually get up before noon.

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line..."I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town" On the other hand, "I HAD a good woman" is an excellent start.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he ways 'bout 500 pounds."

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Forget about a Neon or a Volvo. (Swedish guys seem to have the blues, but they're really just neurotic). A Lamborghini is right out. Other acceptable transportation is Greyhound bus or southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Youth is no place to determine that life has beat you down 'til you can't get up except on the wrong side of a glass of gin.. Blues adulthood means old enough to go to the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Certainly not in Westchester County. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Memphis are still the best places to have the blues.

8. A tip for you youngsters; blues guys rarely take note of the surrounding fabrics and furniture. If you're making a film about the blues, don't have Architectural Digest lying around the club.

9. The following colors do not belong in the blues. violet,. beige, mauve, taupe.

10. You can't have the blues in an office or shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

11. Good places for the Blues: the highway, the jailhouse, the empty bed

12. Bad places: Ashrams,. Gallery openings, weekend in the Hamptons

13. You have the right to sing the blues if your first name is a southern state - like Georgia, or if you're blind, or if you shot a man in Memphis.

14. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues. Ozzie Nelson isn't even in the running, not even if he came back to life and wiped out all of the Memphis underworld.

15. You can't sing the blues if you were once blind, but now can see, or if you're deaf, or if you have a trust fund

16. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are Irish whiskey, Gallo White Port, and muddy water.

17. Blues beverages are not. any mixed drink, Chardonnay, anything with an umbrella, any wine kosher for Passover, Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

18. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Sorry, a discount extension of a major hotel chain, ala Holiday Inn Express, won't do. And nothing with "Suites" in the title. Blues guys never use the word "suites" unless they're referring to their cheap-ass women.

19. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

20. Some Blues Names for Women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie

21. Some Blues Names for Men: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Lightning. Note: Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.