Ways the newly-discovered Martian life differs from ours:
  1. Martian Bond drinks martinis stirred

  2. Martian bird has sane, thoughtful appreciation of Cocoa Puffs

  3. On the Martian honeymooners, Ralph says, "bang, zoom, to Phobos, Alice"

  4. Funkiest Martian recording star: Zamfir, master of the Pan Flute.  (see footnote)

  5. "This is CNN-Mars international" read by Gilbert Gottfried

  6. Martian Super Big Gulp...12 gallons

  7. Martian Cal Ripken Jr.: a real cry-baby

  8. Martian Doc Holliday: little fat guy with no cough.

  9. Martian Dan Quayle insists: Earth made of bleu cheese

  10. Good news for movie fans. There's no France on Mars.

  11. Point above also good news for snails.

  12. Plans for Martian-language Vogue seem premature

  13. No Martian as perky as Katie Couric

  14. Supreme Court consists entirely of former members of Our Gang. Spanky elected chief justice by virtue of his leadership experience at the helm of the He-Man Woman Hater's Club.

  15. They couldn't understand "Trainspotting" even with the dialogue dubbed into Martian

  16. So-called Martian "Dream Team" can't beat Djibouti

  17. Martian Switzerland deports citizen Slim Whitman for his inability to yodel

  18. Most popular work of Martian classical music: Mozart's 3rd Concerto for Plenty of Bagpipes

  19. Martian Mother Theresa usually accompanied through streets of Calcutta by Saintly Father Rodman

  20. Martian Ovaltine more expensive if bought in a "vintage year".

Footnote: Here on earth, unbeknownst to most of us. Zamfir's ranking from the International Pan Flute Association has dropped to third, after his many years at the top of the heap. The great one is older now, as are we all. Many say he should step down, and resign his title as "master of the pan flute". They say he's lost a beat, and that there are a lot of kids with quicker tongues, more nimble fingers, and more dulcet tones. A quiet and dignified man, Zamfir will undoubtedly descend gracefully from this hallowed ground with the same modesty that characterized his ascension.

Mickey Mantle is dead, and Zamfir is the third-best pan-flautist. Even Michael Jordan has fallen from the air. Thus pass eras and time itself. Gone, alas, like our youth, too soon.